Have any of these situations occurred and you end up blaming yourself?
- A business presentation goes flawlessly. In the follow-up, you get inundated by pointed questions and critiques.
- The meeting was on your schedule for 9 AM. When you arrive, you realize it actually started at 8:30 AM.
- Instead of taking the normal way home, you take a different way and get a flat tire.
- A friend is overdoing a habit and you really feel like you need to talk to them. Before you muster the courage, they really overdo it and someone gets really hurt.
Chances are, things like this have happened to you. In these situations, it is totally normal to cast blame to others or your phone or whatever you can think of. While it may seem normal, it is not productive and it does not address the root of the problem. You are not meeting the expectations and you are not feeling great about yourself in the process.
Playing the Blame Game
When things don’t go your way, it’s easy to play the blame game. Throwing fault on people or circumstances makes it simpler to tolerate things that go wrong. It makes us feel better. The problem is that also becomes a convenient way to quit or to excuse ourselves from trying harder. Blame makes things easier in the short-term but it does you no favors in the long run. If you want to be in control, you need to avoid blame and casting yourself as a casualty. Let’s examine opportunities to change this mindset.
When I look back at the moments I have been most successful, I see many occurred by overcoming an initial failure. Instead of spending too much time in blame and pity, I buckled down, reset myself, and took action to overcome. I may have been disappointed but I didn’t let myself quit.
We all fall prey to the feelings of blame, guilt, anger, etc. But, it’s when we are able to let those feelings go and move forward that we have success. Following defeat with new energy and tactics encourages success. Tackling a challenging obstacle will take more than one attempt. Forcing yourslef past the doubts and continuing to push yourself forward is far more productive. It is not always easy to do, however the more you do it, the better your odds are for success.
Blame isn’t Productive
I remember the first time I applied for an entry level, managerial position, I was very confident in my chances. The other applicants did not have managerial experience. I did. That felt like a significant advantage. The interviews went well and I was able to highlight my qualifications. Then, the time came for the decision. The decision was made to hire someone else.
I was crestfallen and deeply disappointed. I started to throw blame on myself, the chosen candidate, the interviewer, the process, etc. Luckily, I quickly moved past that and took stock of the situation. If they did not choose me, I did not do a proper job of representing myself and I would have to do better. I needed to take action to improve so there was no looking past me the next time. That’s exactly what happened. The next posting came and I was the chosen candidate.
Blame isn’t an action. It’s the opposite. It causes you to stay in place, or, even worse, retreat. Sometimes, that is okay. Retreating to regroup and strategize an action, prepares you to take action and move forward. If you retreat and let blame and disappointment take over, your retreat will continue until you finally disengage. If what you were trying for was important to you, this action has caused you to quit.
How do you not quit? Start by taking the focus off yourself and placing it squarely on the actions. Your actions have not been good enough. It is not that you have not been good enough. Focusing on actions is how you create productivity and confidence. Getting bogged down with feeling sorry for yourself and painting yourself as the victim may feel good short-term but it will not win you any battles. Action is how you overcome the blame game.
Tactics for Overcoming Blame
At some point, we all become victims of blame. It’s not productive, but sometimes, letting yourself wallow in some pity makes you feel better. You may even get a shoulder to cry upon. Blame and pity will not fix anything, and, as long as you recognize that fact, you can give yourself some slack.
Luckily, when you are ready to rebound and be productive, there are strategies available to combat blame and avoid becoming its casualty. All you need is the ability recognize when to invoke them and the discipline to implement a couple of new behaviors. These actions will enable you to make dramatic changes. Let’s talk about actions you can take now to pay dividends in the future.
Listen to Your Circle
You have a circle of people around you waiting to help. You may not see them or seek them out often enough, but they are there. They desire to see you be your best and they want you to succeed. Best of all, they see things differently than you. They know your blind spots. They will happily provide you insight and feedback. All you have to do is ask.
When requested, your circle will give you well-intentioned advice and feedback. Sometimes, maybe too much:) When you get it, be open-minded and accepting. It might sting and you will want to be defensive. Just remain silent and let them give it to you. They are likely as uneasy about delivering it as you are in receiving it. Be that as it may, they are giving you critical information you need to improve and overcome. Even if it seems off-base or mis-guided, the information will open new ways for you to think about the situation.
When you do not receive feedback or receive it poorly or defensively, you are losing objective information needed to enhance your strategy and your next actions. Your actions also tell people that you are not open to have honest conversations and to share helpful information. If people talk about you and not to you, you are communicating that you are not open to feedback. People are afraid to give you information that could be helpful to you. Instead, they may give that information to others and avoid you.
The Gift of Feedback
Feedback is a gift. When you receive a gift, you thank the person who gave it to you. Even if it is not perfect, you look for how it can fit into your life. People give gifts because they care about you and want to share their love and passion. Whatever they are giving to you, accept it freely.
I used to think about gifts very selfishessly. It was all about what it meant to me. A great revelation occurred when I realized that what the person was giving was part of themselves. It wasn’t the thing in the package. It was the heart, thoughts, and time they took to put it together for you. How dare I cheapen it with my expectations and vanity. It has helped me to love all gifts, regardless of the value or fit. Those things do not matter. It is truly a part of the giver.
The same thing holds true with feedback. When the giver cares enough to give you something they deem valuable, your role is to take it freely and decide how it fits into your life. It doesn’t matter if you like it or not. Carry it around with you and you will soon see their wisdom in bestowing it upon you. When it comes to feedback, be a cheerful receiver and see the quality of your life and relationships grow immeasurably.
Cultivate a Positive Mindset
A huge part of managing through challenging situations is your mindset. If you keep things positive and optimistic, you will likely have the energy to move forward and fight through.
I recently read an article on improving your mood. I loved it. It immediately had me recognizing when I was focused on “having” to do something. Having has the connotation of obligation and who enjoys that feeling. When you switch the wording to “get”, the mindset shifts. Instead of being obligated to do something, the phrasing opened my mind to opportunity. You can be thankful for opportunity. You do not likely feel the same way about obligation.
I happened to be in Washington, DC area when I read the article. My son and I joked about how we “get to sit in traffic for 30 minutes to get to the metro.” We laughed but the point held true. We were fortunate to be able to visit this beautiful city and utilize the public transportation. Changing the wording allows you to escape negativity and enjoy the experience. Where are your thoughts holding you back? Think about where you can make a change and create a more positive mindset.
Journal
Write down what happened and capture all of the feedback. In my article about applying ideas in order to create change, I talk about the Socratic idea of knowing yourself. In order to get past casting yourself as a victim, think about yourself objectively (as other’s see you) and capture these ideas in writing. You will start to see trends emerge.
Assemble these trends and determine your main goal or obstacle to overcome. Now, what are your three or four best options for conquering this situation? Whether it be a challenging co-worker, your cholesterol levels, or your aging parent, it works the same. Target one place for action and 3-4 behaviors that will require a change.
It may be helpful to take this plan back to your confidant and run it by them. Since they may have given you feedback, what do they think of your strategy? Do they have other ideas about tackling this situation in another manner? Would they encourage you to move forward? Work through these scenarios and the interaction within your journal.
Beyond strategizing, journaling about gratitude is a critical ingredient toward restoring confidence and moving forward. Something has to be going well in the situation. What was it? In my interview scenario above, I did have good experience and my interviews were engaging and relaxed. All of these factors are positive and should not be glossed over. Write them down to reinforce your positive mindset. Here is a link to an article consolidating research into the benefits of gratitude.
Get Active
Once you have received the feedback, analyzed it, and developed a new strategy, it is time to get into action and change the direction from retreat to going on the offensive and moving forward. Take your plan and start implementing.
Look for times when you shrink away or make excuses for not taking action. Train youreself to recognize these situations. Once you do, call them out and make a mental note. Something along the lines of “I decided when I recognized this occurring, I was going to take this action.” Now, here comes the critical part! Take that action. It’s going to be challenging and you will need to push yourself to do it, but you can do it. Make the tough phone call, avoid the challenging food, engage in that difficult conversation, etc. Whatever you have been covering with blame, guilt, or lack of accountability, now is the time to recognize it, take action, and chart a new path.
Once you have taken the nerve to act, reward yourself. I don’t mean indulge. I mean to reward yourself with mental affirmations. You want it to feel good so you are inclined to repeat the action the next time you are facing a tough situation. Your brain is programmed to repeat things it finds pleasurable and appealing. Make this one of those times. By doing this, your brain will start to seek out opportunities to be positive and productive. To tackle blame and get rid of guilt and regret.
Be a Strong Part of your Circle
Help Others Escape “the Blame Game”
Once you feel liberated to conquer your own situations more confidently, embolden others to take control of their circumstances and not feel powerless. You can be that person to listen to your friend and help them frame things. Be a stronger part of your circle.
Focus on the action, not the person. People can change their actions, but it is much more challenging to change personality or genetic wiring. The objective is to help people move past the emotions that strap them down and encourage them to take actions that help them meet their goals. They have to be open to doing that just like you have to be open to feedback and critique. If we are all open-minded and agreeable, we can overcome challenges and succeed together.
Take the First Step
The most challenging step to take is the first one. Recognizing when you blame yourself or play the victim (or the martyr) is the first step. When you see yourself taking that step, stop and decide what you really want to be doing. Do I want to dwell on the situation or do I want to take action and move forward? If you are ready to put blame in the rearview mirror, seek out feedback and positivity from your circle. Listen to them and draw up a strategy to overcome whatever obstacle you are fighting. I guarantee a positive mindset implementing a sound strategy and supported by a loving circle will yield success. Best of luck to you!
