This article on Listening is part of my series, Recollections from 22 Years as a Father
Many times, particularly as a parent, I have felt like I am talking to a brick wall when I am speaking with my kids. I can see them look at me and they may even acknowledge my words, but it does not seem like they are listening to what I am saying. Why do I think this? Because, they proceed to go do the exact opposite of what I have suggested to them as their best course of action.
Even though it seems like they are not listening or they are blatantly ignoring your advice, they hear you. More importantly, they do remember what you said, even though their actions don’t correspond. When they follow their own path and the consequence to which you spoke to them occurs, they recall your conversation leading to just such an outcome.
How I Recognized They Were Listening
I used to find it frustrating when my kids did not listen or ignored my advice. I am a smart guy and I have experienced quite a bit. Why wouldn’t they want to listen and follow what I had to say? With three kids, I had plenty of opportunities to relay advice and experiences. Some of it was listened to but much of it was not. It was with my youngest son that I started to view these situations differently.
My youngest, Jared, had a different way of listening, digesting, and interacting with me. I discovered he was quite fond of doing exactly the opposite of what I spoke to him. I did not always believe in reverse psychology, but with him, I was a believer. When he was five or six, I would say things to him like, “Whatever you do, please do not put your shoes on so we can leave for the store.” He could not put his shoes on fast enough. It worked for nearly everything. I did not pull it out all of the time; I really saved it for when I needed it. He was listening. He just wanted to do it his way. What a perfect way for us to both get what we needed. The day our reverse psychology experiment ceased to work saddened me deeply.
What did this teach me? I learned that my kids did hear me and were listening, but it is really important for them to do things their way. They want to own the experience and that is a very natural thing to do. My advice and teachings get incorporated into what they do, but they are not robots. I could not program them with instructions and expect them to follow them like code. They were people and their actions were much more complex.
As I continued to raise my children, the implications of these findings changed how I interacted with my kids. It became apparent to me that I could not use their actions to determine if they were listening to me or digesting my words. It was more subtle than that. I would need to be patient and find evidence in other forms.
From the Mouths of Babes
The most outward display of their covert listening skills was in their conversations. I distinctly remember the first time I heard my son bestow (my) advice to one of his friends like it was his own. He proceeded to deliver it in a different way, but it was definitely my advice.
It was all the more memorable because when I had delivered it in conversation months before, he laughed at my suggestion. I guess, over the intervening time, my advice had somehow become more intelligent and well reasoned. After several months, I chuckled to myself as I was hearing my advice given to his friend just like it was his own.
I can only imagine, he heard me and internalized the message even though he decided to act in a different way. As he worked his way through the process, he recalled this kernel and realized it actually would have been helpful to follow this advice, at least to some degree. Seeing it in this new light, he became an evangelist and proclaimed this information to his followers.
They “Learned” it from Others
This is one of the more annoying things you deal with when raising kids (or mentoring anyone, for that matter). One day, they come to you with something like, “Johnny’s dad told us this thing and we did it that way and he was totally right. It worked!” The problem is not what the other dad said. The problem is that you told him that 6 months ago and they forgot. That hurts your feelings.
If you can push your hurt feelings to the side, it can be a great place to jump in and have a conversation and build upon the learning opportunity. They just “stumbled” upon a great discovery. Join in the conversation to learn how it came to be and what they are going to do with this new, found wisdom. It just may be a great experience for both of you.
Witness it in Their Actions
You have to be very observant to notice this one, but, if you focus on it, you will see it. It shows up in the subtle behaviors, namely the hows in life. For example, you may see it in how they make decisions, how they approach a situation, how they spend their money, or how they treat their friends and acquaintances. All of these hows represent their values and their importance in their life.
You cannot make another person see the value of human life, the environment, a friendship, or people’s feelings (empathy). But, by consistently representing these points without mandating them, you will illuminate their value as they interact with others in their daily lives. As they encounter situations, your words will be one of the things they hear in their head. Your words have influence far down the line at times you will not even realize.
How do I know this? I have heard it myself. Long ago, well intentioned advice I had forgotten about comes back to me when I am in a new, unknown, and/or difficult situation. It provides light and guidance to navigate out of the situation. I have received some great advice. Even though I did not act upon it immediately, it is always there to be called upon later.
Application
The key takeaway here is not to stop giving advice. Continue to deliver it and engage in conversation, but you need to be patient. Let your advice sink in, rather than expecting it to be used right when it is dispensed. As parents, we need to focus on being selective. We may deeply desire to influence their current events, in order to avoid some of the stupid or careless experiences we endured. Unfortunately, we cannot prevent many bad experiences from being repeated.
Most likely, they made their decision long before you got involved. The die was already cast. Once you get involved, they hear your advice but it merely interferes with what they already decided to do. It isn’t going to change their mind. Instead, they carry on with their plan and file your advice away.
Now, this is the interesting part. If their plan works well, your advice is likely pushed to an even more remote location in your memory. However, if their plan fails or glitches out, your advice surfaces to the top and literally hits them in the head. How often have you done something your way, and, when you are in the middle of it, you think, “Oh, so and so told me it would work out like this” and it really wasn’t a good thing. We want to cut our own path and so do our kids.
Play the Long Game
I can hear you saying, “This all sounds interesting and it makes sense to me, but how does it change how I parent every day?” Here is how to turn this information into action: Start to think of your conversations as having impact now and in the future.
Advice and conversations with your kids happen in the now but their effects reveal themselves well into the future. That means when you are having that interaction try to keep the long-term perspective. Outcomes from the conversation/interaction get measured now and in the future. In fact, your greatest amount of influence may play itself out in 6 months or even 6 years.
Playing the long game takes the pressure off both of you in the present, and hopefully, opens up the dialog and interaction between both of you. In some cases, you will find that they may have a better answer than you. Their thinking will be different than yours and may lead to a new, novel approach. If it doesn’t, they will likely come back to your advice and that is where the real parenting starts.
Author’s note: This really works with any relationship you maintain, whether it be personal, work, or parental. Thinking that someone will take your advice and put it into play right then is unreasonable. But,if it is heartfelt and well intentioned, they will likely file it away for future use and you never know how far out that future date might be.