This year, picture Valentine’s Day like a heart and a triangle
Years ago, I came across a particular leadership principle that caught my eye. In short, the idea proposed being more committed and displaying more passion with your co-workers. These actions would lead to higher levels of spirit and camaraderie across the team. As a manager, I am always looking to improve things, particularly when it comes to improving employee engagement. So, I began to research by using commitment and passion as keywords. I ended up uncovering more than I could have imagined. It continues to shape the way I visualize all of my relationships.
As I scoured through the resources of the Internet, I discovered research published by Robert Sternberg. His work centered on a concept he referred to as the love triangle. In addition to commitment and passion, Sternberg added a third element, intimacy. As I read through his research and studied the image of a triangle, I thought through the relationships in my life, past, and present. I began to see how my solid relationships contained all three elements. Conversely, the weaker ones were missing one or more of the same elements.
I found the conceptual nature of his research to be fascinating. I have typically thought of love and relationship as something nebulous and intangible. Suddenly, I felt like I had more concrete ideas to help me fuel relationships. These ideas have formed a foundation to drive my thinking on relationships ever since.
Dissecting the Triangle
One reason I found fascination with the ideas was due to my limited understanding of love. Neither love nor relationships get discussed in school. You may have had the “sex talk” but that seemed to focus on the scientific and not the emotional. The movies only cover romantic love or the psychotic side, like Fatal Attraction. Adult books and magazines only add to the confusion. By the time I became an adult, I didn’t know too much about love. I found myself just hoping to get lucky.
Here is the way I thought about love: Either you were in it or you were not. I wanted to be in love, yet I had no idea how to get there. The concept of building relationships and developing intimacy was completely foreign to me. Passion, commitment, and intimacy might be great things to pursue, but I also figured you could work around them if they were missing or absent for a while. As long as I loved someone enough, everything else would work out. I was wrong.
The Missing Element
I am guessing other people carry a similar concept of love. Thinking a relationship, particularly a marriage, can overcome missing elements is not uncommon. Sternberg’s theory disagrees with that mindset. Instead, he proposes these three characteristics are critical to creating and sustaining a loving relationship. My experience agrees with his findings. As I strive to grow my triangle, I continually learn about the cost of missing elements. My own life provides plenty of evidence toward the consequences of an imbalanced triangle.
My triangle is most full on the commitment side. Integrity and unwillingness to quit drive many of my actions. Passion feels more situational to me. At times, I hold back and cover up my true feelings. Other times, I can let go and express my passions freely to others. Finally, I get to intimacy. Intimacy is the most challenging element for me. I tend to cautiously disclose details. Beyond that, I hesitate to show vulnerability. In order to grow, though, all relationships need each of these elements. Losing focus on any of them exposes the relationship to serious consequences. Let’s take a look at what I have learned from trying to grow and balance my triangle.
Building a Better Triangle
Upon learning about these concepts, I began investing energy and activity into all three elements of the triangle. Slowly, I started to understand how missing just one element sets the relationship on a path toward failure. I was left with two alternatives. Either I address the weak point of the triangle or allow the relationship to fizzle out. If I wanted better teamwork with my workmates, improved unity with my family, and deeper investment with my friends, I needed to follow the instructions right there in front of me.
Since that time, focus on passion, commitment, and intimacy continues to shape all of my relationships. I use these attributes to strive for better, fuller relations. I may not always succeed but the concept keeps me pointed in the right direction. Let’s take a look at ideas around adding more of each element into your relationship routine.
Instilling Passion
Passion is driven by sharing things in common. It is much more than physical or emotional attraction. Passion is about being excited to be in someone’s company or spending time engaged in the same activity. Simply being with this person provokes your spirit and inspires a feeling of camaraderie. Passion is the energy and fuel consumed to make a relationship run. Continuing to refuel the passion keeps the excitement high and engaged.
A key piece of passion is growing, learning, and exploring together over time. When I featured Julia Child’s story in my waiting series, the element with which I really identified was her passion. She oozed passion for cooking, teaching, and learning. She constantly strove to feed her passion by learning more and trying new things. A quote from her has really stuck with me, “You’ll never know everything about anything, especially something you love.“
Having a passion for something provokes me to want more of it. More importantly, my satisfaction skyrockets when I participate in activities with others who share those same passions. Sharing those passions pushes me to grow and deepen my involvement with the activity and the people doing it. Moreover, those same passions fuel the relationship through good and troubling times. Passion is the energy driving you to go farther.
Displaying Commitment
Commitment, as I mentioned earlier, is about agreeing and sharing values. Notice I did not say sharing the same opinion. One’s underlying values drive their actions. Opinions may shape the actions but they are not the driver. I view commitment synonymously with reliability. I will be there, every time for the long haul.
To build commitment in a relationship, I practice making it a point of letting people know how much I value their relationship. By talking about commitment, and better yet, demonstrating it, I hope to show that I desire the relationship to last. Words and actions both matter. The key is alignment. If the values are aligned, commitment reliably navigates a relationship through good times and bad.
Struggles, disagreements, and misunderstandings create divisions and chasms if they are not resolved. When I am committed to the other person in the relationship, I will not let problems fester. I address it and aim to convince the other person that our relationship is more valuable than one or two bumps in the road. Getting through challenges and over bumps strengthens resolve and commitment. These actions expand the size of the triangle.
Creating Intimacy
I view intimacy as getting to know people. Listening to understand what matters to someone. Then, figuring out how to bring that out of them. Exploring deep topics and their world view, uncovers their values and spirit. It requires honesty and vulnerability. Becoming intimate with someone reveals their heart.
Intimacy focuses on knowing what people like and value. Discovering what drives them and being there to hear them share their dreams. Being intimate depends on listening to people and asking questions to understand their point of view. Intimacy allows people to be open and honest. It’s about being part of their journey to find their voice and discover their purpose.
I must admit, as a man, I struggle with this part of the triangle. Just because something is hard does not mean I need to give up. After all, one of my strengths is commitment and perseverance. I have tried to really stretch myself in the last 20 years. The surface has barely been scratched, but I have made progress. As I reflect on those years, I can see how some of these connections have run deeper and deeper. When I put myself out there, I see people reciprocating. Those gestures fill me with hope.
Focus on the Triangle
Each of these elements brings a unique and important attribute to the relations shared with others. Passion drives the relationship. It represents the fuel to provide energy and make the relationship go. Commitment represents reliability and perseverance. An enduring relationship cannot be created in the short term. It demands both parties to be invested together for the long haul. Finally, intimacy represents the emotions and heart of the relationship. Discovering, sharing, and encouraging each other to discover themselves is the greatest Earthly gift we may achieve.
As with any theory, there are likely to be things missing or elements to which you can disagree. One theory cannot cover all relationships and situations. Despite any shortcomings, the Love Triangle theory and image creates a vision to help me work harder and not take relationships for granted.
If I relied on my strengths and neglected my weakest areas, my relationships would be all about words and shallow principles. They would not persevere when things got tough. Plus, they would not grow and deepen over time. I want to connect in my marriage, with my family, and to my friends to create mutual joy and satisfaction. This visual helps me to proceed in that direction.
As you can tell, this subject means a great deal to me. I hope these ideas yield similar reflection and discovery in your life. As always, thanks for allowing me to share.