Part one of a multi-part series aimed at changing the view on problem-solving.
I found myself on the phone the other day with a former work friend. We had lost touch after I had been laid off a couple of years back. I heard recently she found herself suffering through the same fate. She was dealing with many conflicting thoughts similar to what I had experienced. Working through that period of time was challenging for me. I felt led to offer support. I am glad I did.
As the conversation unfolded, I gave my friend one piece of heartfelt advice. I told her, “When this type of situation happened to me, I felt hurt by those who put me in that position. Further, I thought I had a solid network for support. Neither of those things helped me out of the hole. Eventually, I found direction from people I never dreamed of helping me. They created a path that helped me move up and out.”
After I hung up, my brain wanted to continue to chew on the topic and the ideas we shared. I began journaling aimlessly, but, eventually, I started to hover around a particular set of ideas. Believe it or not, my thoughts wound all of the way back to the biblical story of Joseph.
A Very Abbreviated Version of Joseph’s Story
Way back toward the beginning of the Bible, we find the story of Joseph and his 11 brothers. Joseph was given a beautiful coat of many colors by his father as a show of his love and affection. The gift was one of several actions driving a wedge between Joseph and his brothers. As the jealousy and envy grew, the relationship grew more bitter and contentious. Finally, the brothers decided to solve their problem by throwing Joseph into a well and leaving him to die. They tore his coat, tainted it with blood, and brought it back to their father to confirm his son’s demise. The cover-up was complete.
Big challenges, like job loss or estrangement, happen during the course of our life. These events create a great strain on our emotions and our network of people. On some occasions, you may be the one being thrown into the well. Other times, you might be the thrower. Either way, I want to keep people from being thrown into the well or to help them crawl out more quickly with a fresh approach. For starters, I want to turn my thoughts toward the brothers. I’m curious to uncover how things worked out once their problem hit the bottom of the well.
Part 1: Taming the Thrower
After the brothers left Joseph, they expected their problem to be gone. I imagine most of them were happy. They fully expected their prospects were looking up. The distraction was out of the way, He would no longer soak up all of the attention and keep them from a loving, close relationship with their father. Finally, they get the benefits of the opportunities Joseph had been hoarding. Their loving father would forget about Joseph soon enough and his full attention would shine upon them.
Except, it wouldn’t turn out that way. Grief overcame their father. His days were full of anguish and despair. Rather than love, he became distant and withdrawn. In turn, each of the brothers processed the situation on their own. They could not hold onto the joy they felt from that triumphant day at the well. The giddiness of that day continually eroded until it was gone.
The giddiness replaced itself with dread. The peace they hoped to find eluded them.. The relationships between each other suffered and began to deteriorate. They eventually reached the point where they wished they had never ditched their brother. Ditching was not a solution. It was avoidance and this avoidance put them into a worse situation than where they started.
Identify the Real Problem
Joseph’s brothers may have viewed him as the problem, but he wasn’t where the problem started. A larger part of the problem was the relationship with their father. They were jealous of Joseph. In addition, they felt neglected by Jacob. They craved love and attention. All of these things were in their control. Action, on their part, could improve the relationship and lessen all of these feelings. Instead, they threw their problem onto Joseph and blamed him for their imperfect feelings.
I can totally identify with this situation. It’s easy for me to feel bad about myself and project my feelings outward and blame others. Unfortunately, like the brothers, that doesn’t fix my problem. Rather, it alienates me from the other person. Furthermore, it creates negative inner feelings complicating the situation. Then, pride steps in and starts erecting walls and barriers. Preventing poor feelings and pride provides plenty of motivation to dig deeper into the problem prior to tossing it in the well.
Expose Your Role in the Situation
When I’m able to stop projecting blame and focus on my own actions, my faults quickly become clear. Joseph’s brothers likely contributed to the hostility too. They felt powerless to fix how they were treated compared to how Joseph was treated by his father. The impossibility of fixing it led them to openly antagonizing their brother and subtly criticize their father.
The hostility could have started with teasing and making fun of his role as “daddy’s favorite.” It continued with bringing up embarrassing things he did at the most awkward moments. Being passive-aggressive and teasing creates a false feeling of power. It’s tempting to make fun of the things that are otherwise challenging to address. When I can feel myself acting in these hostile manners, I know I need to think about how I am acting and adjust my approach. I wish the brothers would have made similar adjustments.
Before You Toss
When I feel a problem escalate, I turn the focus inward. The brothers expected their father to see their hurt and treat them all the same. Instead of adjusting their view, they continually focused on Joseph and Jacob to adjust. The conflict divided and drove them to the rim of that well. Their pride finished the job and pushed Joseph over the edge.
Visualizing that well puts my actions into perspective. I do not want any problems going into a well. Instead, I want to use that vision to help me address the conflict earlier on. I want to focus on the real problem and avoid blame and pointing fingers. Instead, of being passive-aggressive, I want to reinforce how important the relationship is to me. Working from that foundation, I hope we can push pride away and keep things from moving closer to the well. If the brothers had worked harder to fix the problem prior to the breaking point, perhaps Joseph never would have ended up in that well. It may have ruined his miraculous comeback, but we’ll leave that to a different day.
Next time, I want to look at what happens when you end up at the bottom of that well. You probably hurt yourself during the fall. In fact, you might have a bit of blood in your mouth. I’ve been down there. The fall left me hurt, angry, and looking for answers. Like Joseph, crawling out was only the first step. As we will see, many more steps need to be taken before you can confidently escape the hole.