I actively avoid paying for parking. I will spend time looking for a free spot. Sometimes, I make my fellow riders walk a couple of extra blocks. Or, I may drop my passengers off and seek out a spot uninterrupted. If I am lucky, I see that comforting sign stating, “We Validate Parking!” What a relief!
My parking travails were never more apparent than during the birth of my first son, Jack. Before I recount this story, however, I need to rewind the clock a bit. A year earlier, my wife, Lynne, and I experienced the birth of our first child, Maggie. We were a week past our due date and we were ready for labor to begin. The contractions began at 4 AM. We left for the hospital a couple of hours later. From an early morning arrival to a late evening delivery, it was a loooong day. All of those hours at the hospital rewarded us with a beautiful baby. But, for the next time, we vowed to wait until the contractions got much closer together before heading to the hospital.
A year later, we were expecting our second child. A couple of weeks before our due date, Lynne started experiencing contractions. Even though our excitement level was high, we held to our strategy and waited it out a bit. We managed to hang on for a couple of hours before heading to the hospital. I parked in the garage and carefully escorted my very pregnant partner to get checked in. The doctor started her exam and immediately instructed the nurse to get us to the maternity ward, pronto! Lynne started off with the nurse, but I stayed put. Lynne turned around and said, “Let’s go!” to which I replied, “I am not going anywhere until someone validates my parking ticket.” I wish I had a picture of the nurse’s face. She looked at me in disbelief.
Lynne, however, knew better. She knew I was dead serious. I would not be paying for parking if there was a free option available. It’s part of who I am. Lynne turned to the nurse and said, “Somebody needs to punch that ticket or we may be having this baby right here.” That was all it took. I got my free parking and we welcomed a bouncing baby boy into the world. It was a perfect day.
Validation is About More than Tickets
When I hear the word validate, Jack’s birth story is the first thing to flash into my mind. In that instant, it crystallized everything happening at the moment against my entire life’s history. I wanted to have that baby but I also needed that parking to be free. They promised me and I was going to get it.
Validation drives us to do certain things even to the extent of becoming uncomfortable. It’s critical to who we are and it drives the actions we take. In my parking example, the situation validated my need to not pay for things that I could otherwise get for free. That seems too simple though. I want to dig deeper to uncover what that really says about me.
How I Validate
I’m a root cause person. Things happen on the surface, but I truly believe the causes lie deep beneath. I enjoy thinking about these things. Some say I am compelled to do so. I need to understand how things work. Everything tells me there has to be more involved than me being cheap. My mind is playing a game and my actions are participating. I want to know more about why.
As part of the research, I employed a technique I learned years ago referred to as the “5 Whys“. The process became famous through Toyota Motor Company using it to troubleshoot quality issues. Asking yourself “why?” multiple times allows the process to trace back to the origins of behavior, good or bad. So, I gave it a try with my need for free parking and here is what I found:
Why Do I Avoid Paying for Parking?
- Why? I don’t like paying for things I can find elsewhere for less
- Why is that important? I can save the money for something I will enjoy more later
- Why do I want it later? Patience opens more opportunities
- Why? I want my resources available when that opportunity presents itself
- Why? I will have made myself a better deal than if I had struck on the first impulse.
Everything I approach follows a similar path. I am cautious in the present moment while continuing to collect information to set myself up better in the future. I have faith that a better deal is lurking around the corner. I’m going to be ready for it. In fact, I continue to validate this behavior because I typically have found a better deal by being patient and waiting.
Turn Validation Upside Down
Until waiting wasn’t working. I could not find a better deal around the corner and I had to follow the opposite impulse, just like George Costanza. In the midst of a career change, my best opportunity to land the next job involved networking, cold calling, and interviewing to make the right connections. Lots of it. Unfortunately, I hate doing these things.
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Jerry Seinfeld
I engaged in the necessary activities, but, I was not having success. It had to be my attitude. Begrudgingly doing something might be worse than not doing it at all. I had to force myself into a new validation routine. I had to find joy and satisfaction in these activities rather than dread. Discovering joy would key my success.
The Opposite Was Right
Since waiting was no longer the key to deriving value, I focused on the opposite and created a new value statement. Why value? Because if I could get my mind to derive value out of these behaviors, I could find the motivation to perform them well. I had to change my midset and here was how I changed the positioning:
- My skills hold value in the marketplace
- To be able to use these skills I needed a job
- To get a job, I need to perform tasks which I do not enjoy
- Practicing these tasks improves my value as a candidate
- A valuable candidate will eventually land the right opportunity
Going out and just bulling my way through interviews and networking meetings would not work without finding enjoyment in it. I would have quit if I did not find something to validate. Changing my mindset and finding new ways to reinforce my behavior fueled my actions. Finally, it worked and I was so excited. I created a positive string of validations to propel me forward. The success eventually landed me a job I really wanted with a company that valued my skills. I put my skills back to work in a valuable way for my psyche.
It’s Not a Lie if You Believe It
In essence, my life-long validation process of saving and waiting was ultimately rewarded too. The difference, this time, was I needed to change my mindset to make it happen. I could not wait for the right opportunity to come along. I had to practice things, which I did not enjoy, in order to make it happen. Without the altered mindset, I would have lost faith and quit.
I was afraid to make that change. It felt like I wasn’t being authentic to myself, like I was lying. I may have faults, but lying isn’t one of them. My integrity is very important to me and I wanted to be careful not to lose it.
I didn’t lose my integrity, I enhanced it. These activities developed my value as a person. By embracing the opportunity, I felt better about myself and led me to a deeper understanding of what drives me. I was holding myself back and I had found a way to overcome it.
My next question is ” Where else am I holding myself back?”