Always Lean Forward Together
I’ve come to realize many things from parenting as I’ve tried to lead my children toward becoming learning, responsible adults. I’ve learned from experience. Likewise, I’ve witnessed what works and doesn’t from observing other parents. I didn’t learn from a book or a class. Instead, learned from experience and making adjustments (and more adjustments). By sharing, I hope to provide insights you can implement with your family.
These recollections* are here for reflection and/or amusement. They are not meant to be a blueprint or manifesto. Instead, I hope they stir ideas in your head to contemplate and put into action. My intent is to open your mind to what is going on with your kids and how you can help them on their journey.
Recollections from 22 Years as a Father:
- The only reaction you can control is your own. You cannot make anyone, especially your kids, do something. You only control your role in the process. In fact, if you play your cards right, you exhibiting control will steer things in the desired direction.
- Ignoring behavior is critical. You cannot correct all behavior, nor should you try. Much of it will go away if you ignore it. Furthermore, paying attention to bad behavior will cause much more of it.
- It’s really hard to figure out what helps your kids grow. In all likelihood, you will need to change your mentoring practices for each of your kids.
- Talk with your spouse. Mutually agree on a course of action. Being on the same page is preferable to doing it your way.
- Quiet kids do not equal relaxation. It likely means they are engaged in something you don’t want them doing. Even worse, they may not be talking to you about something you need to hear.
- Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You spend a great deal of time focused on your kids and spouse so you naturally put yourself last. That’s ok, but that doesn’t mean you get no time at all. Find that time and put it to valuable use. It’s critical for your long-term health.
- Involve them in what you are doing, if possible. I put off things to play with my kids when they were young. All the while, they could have been helping me with my work. Kids like to help and accomplish things, just like adults do.
- Being present and paying attention may keep them out of a lot of trouble. The more available you are, the more they will try not to disappoint you. Kids love attention and do not want to lose yours.
- If your kids tell you what they are thinking or share their opinions, do not criticize them. Instead, ask them questions to understand their reasoning.
- They are listening. Even if you don’t think they are or they appear to ignore you, they hear you. My kids’ willingness to scoff at my advice astonishes me. Later, they espouse a theory that matches your original advice. They don’t even realize the idea came from you.\
- Give kids structure and stick to it. We lucked into this one and started them off with consistent schedules.
- Kids are forgiving and they will give you multiple chances to do the right thing. A friend’s dad shared this with me and I have held onto it. Give yourself a break. Your kids do not expect you to be perfect and neither should you. In fact, they will give you multiple chances to do things right.
- Constantly try new things. If you want your kids to learn and explore new things, ideas, and opinions, you have to lead the way.
- Do not let them play the victim. Even if things are not fair, assigning blame does not help, although it is totally natural. They need to be in charge and fight for themselves and what is right, no matter how hard it is.
- It’s not your role to entertain your kids. Let them figure out how to entertain themselves. It’s perfectly okay for them to experience boredom.
STAY TUNED!
Future blogs on these topics will expand on these ideas and share how they applied to my parenting.
*Author’s Note: These stories are not in rational or chronological order. They come at you just like life does and your kids will, i.e. irrational, out-of-order, and sometimes, at the worst time possible.