Have you ever begun a new relationship with someone and you just didn’t get off to the best start? For some reason, you don’t seem to hit it off. Sometimes, that’s fine. Other times, you want or need to be around that person. Perhaps you work with them or they are part of the same friend group or maybe they are on your softball or volleyball team. Whatever the reason, you know it is in your best interest to make it work. What do you do?
The Franklin Effect
I have run across this concept several times over the past year. In his memoirs, Ben Franklin documented a story from his early days as a politician. Another legislator continually battled with Franklin and treated him as a rival. They disagreed publicly on several occasions.
After one particular situation, Franklin determined to try a different approach. He thought about the man and recollected he collected books, a shared passion. So, Franklin requested to borrow one of the man’s rare books. A week later, Franklin returned the book along with a letter stating how much he enjoyed the book and thanking his rival for this kindness extended.
The act forced his rival to reconcile his good feelings about the book and the note against the bothersome feelings he had developed for Franklin as a legislator. Franklin’s rival could not justify the new, benevolent action to his previous feelings and beliefs he held for him. Therefore, he created a new narrative and mindset to match. In his brain, he decided he would only have loaned a rare book to a friend. So, Franklin must be a friend. How could he not like a person to whom he had just lent this rare book and had done so freely? That moment opened a new chapter in their relationship. They discovered other shared interests and became lifelong friends.
He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.
Ben Franklin
Let’s explore how Ben Franklin’s 250-year-old insights provide a tool to help you befriend that rival of yours. I think you will be enlightened by the complexities offered through this relatively simple process and how taking action can change how you and others believe.
Why is the Franklin Effect is Effective?
Changing the way people feel about you and how you feel about yourself is driven by actions. When actions are congruent with your beliefs, those actions reinforce the beliefs you hold about yourself and others. When the actions do not align with one’s beliefs, your mind recognizes the confusion and requires itself to make sense of the opposing forces. To solve the dilemma, your mind creates a new belief or narrative to fix the problem.
If you are struggling to get along with someone, the feelings likely cause you to think and act negatively around them. Your actions and thinking align. That person picks up on those actions and thinks negatively about you. There, the pattern has been set.
In the Franklin Effect, you take an unexpected action that is out of character with the belief to push things out of balance. To rectify and return to balance, the mind reconsiders its beliefs. This process creates the possibility of triggering a new belief in line with the pleasure associated with the borrowing event.
It’s key here that you are requesting something and not giving it to the person. While giving is a great thing to do, it doesn’t hold the same impact. As you can notice from Franklin’s quote (above), requesting help from someone fills them with good feelings and makes them want to repeat the act. Giving does not create the same feeling of reciprocation within the other person and does not create the same drive to repeat the positive behavior.
Focus on Long-Term Relationships
This strategy requires time, effort, and patience. You are just not going to want to apply these principles with people you see infrequently or you do not expect to be closely-held. In Franklin’s case, his rival was someone who he knew he was going to be competing against for years into the future. Focus on people in your life that you expect frequent interactions over a long period of time. It could be a neighbor, co-worker, or new brother-in-law. This is your target area.
Think about those close relationships. Examine what you know about the person and the opportunities that may exist to create a new connection. As you follow through the rest of the steps, you should seek to identify a person with whom you are close and expect to have a long-standing relationship for the most dramatic effect. The current length of the relationship also impacts the effect as we will see next.
Sooner is Better
The earlier you recognize the potential of the relationship and the challenges you are seeing, the better. The further you are into a relationship, the more evidence is inventoried in the brain. This evidence has cemented actions and beliefs together. As this occurs, it becomes increasingly difficult to undo and create the dissonance needed to change the mindset.
This is what makes long-held beliefs so difficult to change. Let me give you an example. Think about something you have believed for a long time which may or may not be true. Let’s say I have always believed that our planet was created by an intelligent being. Even if you bring up startling new evidence to refute my belief, I am likely to create a story about that evidence that gives me a reason to dismiss it. I do not want to get rid of this belief, so I maintain my belief. Then, I either reposition your evidence or reject it altogether. This is how people maintain strong beliefs in the face of overwhelming, opposing evidence.
Conversely, if I just found out something this week and believed it, it would be much less challenging to change my mindset. The actions and beliefs in my mind have had much less time to crystallize and harden. This softness makes them easier to change and enables the mind to be more receptive to an action incongruent with the current belief.
Find Common Ground
Listen for clues and do your homework. Just asking to borrow something is only part of it. It needs worth and meaning to your rival in order to have the most dramatic effect.
Think about it this way: If you ask to borrow something of little emotional value, all of the admiration in the world is not going to leave an impression. You need to be asking for something valuable to create the most dissonance, or disagreement, in their brain. They are inclined not to think positively of you now. Your goal is to act in an outrageously positive way to throw their mind out of whack. When they try to reconcile those feelings, you hope you have triggered them to rethink the way they imagine your relationship.
The Franklin Effect keys on requesting an item of value. In Ben’s case, he asked for a rare book. The value is calculated mostly on an emotional scale, but also could cover financial value. Either way, you are trying to borrow and return an item of value. You want to force them to contemplate, “If I do not care for that person, why did I let them borrow my Eagles jersey?”
Do Not Overdo It
At this point, I want to interject a word of caution. The Franklin Effect may not always work. You need to use it sparingly and deliberately. If you try to overdo it, you may likely alienate people or make them feel like you are trying to manipulate their behavior.
I think of it like using touch-up paint. Most of these products come with wording like, “Test first in an inconspicuous spot.” That logic applies directly here. Rather than starting with a co-worker, whom you might see 40 hours per week, try a neighbor instead. You may have a long-term relationship with them and know some things about them, but you don’t see them constantly. If it comes off a bit awkward, you have tested and learned without putting paint where everyone can see it.
The Franklin Effect serves as a tool for you to use. It will not meet every purpose or apply to every relationship. Be careful to start inconspicuously and move toward deeper challenges as you gain more skill.
Let’s Get Started
If you are like me, it’s uncomfortable enough to ask for a favor from someone who is offering. If it is someone with whom you do not gel, it is even more awkward. However, the situation is not just going to clear itself up. The Benjamin Franklin Effect is just one thing you can try to create a new direction.
A co-worker of mine used the following expression, “If you do not A-S-K, you will never G-E-T.” I think that sentiment fits perfectly with using this tool. A lot of things in life will be uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them. Instead, tackle these situations in an intelligent way deploying a process known to be effective.
To get started, remember the following steps:
- Identify a meaningful relationship to address
- Focus on a person with less history, rather than more
- Listen to understand what they are passionate about
- A-S-K to borrow something of value
- Be careful not to overdo it or be manipulative
Follow these steps and give it a try. Application is the key. If it doesn’t work as perfectly as Franklin recounted, you will, at a minimum, determine the other person’s intentions. The relationship between the two of you should either soften to some degree or harden them in their actions. The interaction provides clues for taking the next steps in your relationship.
Author’s Notes
Click on the link for an in-depth psychological analysis of the Ben Franklin Effect. I found the details and background information to be fascinating and informative. Plus, if I start to get numerous requests to borrow some of my things, including one of my Eagle’s jerseys, I know where you are going. Try not to overdo it 🙂