For the majority of my life, I assumed most people went through life in roughly the same manner as me. I figured we all dealt with money, family, jobs, and other stuff in the same way. We talked about our experiences and we all seemed to understand each other. We each lived through these situations and we kept going to the best of our abilities. I spent my life working from one situation and straight on to the next. It seemed like everyone else was doing the same thing.
Over the last couple of years, however, I have begun to understand my journey differently. My response to life’s ups and downs is truly one-of-a-kind. My situation is unique and so is yours. In fact, each of our lives has a distinct beginning, middle, and an end. I believe each of us sees, feels, and lives through these parts of their lives so differently from everyone else. We cannot relate with how others attack life, even to those with whom I have close relationships.
It’s unrealistic to expect others to understand what brings me pain, despair, relief, or joy. I experience it uniquely through my own lens, colored by my experiences. Similarly, there is no way I can understand the actions and thoughts of others. I can’t relate to the experiences and events which molded their beliefs, feelings, and values. I haven’t lived their life. I may only experience from others what they dare to show me or trust me to share. So then, what is one to do?
Focus on the Positive
This tug-of-war came to a head as I was attempting to deal with a mid-career job loss. I was struggling. Even though people attempted to relate to what I was going through, they couldn’t. Their attempts to help fell flat to me. Even if, they too had experienced job loss, it still wasn’t the same. They didn’t do the same job with the same people. They poured different passion into their job. In most every respect, their job influenced their life differently than my job influenced my life. A key part of my life’s journey was ending and something new was going to be taking its place. I felt very lonely and I needed to do something about it.
Instead of getting angry and resentful, I needed to create a positive way to view the situation. I had a lot of life left and I wanted the experiences coming out of this valley to be gratifying. I spent a significant amount of quiet time reflecting and journaling on my experiences. This was unique for me. It was also uncomfortable. I had not spent a great deal of time trying to understand my past. In fact, I mostly avoided it. Once I embraced it though, I found looking back offered great perspective. Examining the decisions I made and the emotions I buried helped me determine how I should move forward.
Open a Window
A career break ended up being the ideal time to work through my thoughts. I suddenly had plenty of time to understand where I have been and how I had dealt with it. Using that time and slowly putting my life’s events into context eventually opened a window for me.
I examined the great events of my life. These events created the emotions and narratives that have made me the person I have become. My journey has spanned across creating new life and relationships to devastating deaths and painful estrangements. Some of these experiences I had never let go; others required more thought. Either way, I needed to cut myself slack and find forgiveness.
Finally, I came to a place where I could put things to rest. I could feel really good about where I was and why I was created. Granting myself space to walk away from situations that nagged at my soul created an immense sense of freedom. I didn’t have to like unlikeable people. Other people happily moved on without me. Trying to maintain these relationships weighed me down and it took me away from the people that wanted relations.
In a similar manner, I was the only person holding me back from moving on from mistakes and uncomfortable endings. Hanging on to this baggage allowed the issue to fester. It’s certainly not something I should regret my entire life. So, I put my energy into thinking it through and working it out.
Fortunately, I also identified plenty of places where I found great satisfaction and joy. I found something really interesting: My joy was greatest when my stress was the lowest. I vowed to maximize my joy and to reduce my stress as I move forward through the rest of my life. Stress builds for me when I have nowhere to go with my emotions or I otherwise don’t deal with them productively. My journeying exercise was a productive stress reducer.
How Has This Changed Me?
Being able to understand and come to grips with my story relieved a great deal of stress in my life. The majority of my stress is self-induced. I allow it to clutter my experience and it robs me of an opportunity to feel secure. Ridding myself of that hoarded stress fills me with more confidence, which I have used to be more vulnerable and engaging with others. I find so much value in listening to their stories and hearing what they gleaned from their journey. We are all so unique. It’s revealing and wonderful.
I feel strongly that others are out there desiring to unpack their stories and make sense of their journey. I think I can pay it forward. Hearing stories allows me to connect and appreciate our uniqueness. Instead of comparing situations and critiquing their actions, I choose to focus on the beauty in those differences. When I put away the judgment and just let people talk, I push my stuff to the background and enjoy what they have experienced.
When this works, my ability to find common ground with others dramatically increases. This makes me feel terrific. It lessens my need to focus on telling my stuff or looking for words to say while the other person is still talking. For me, if we genuinely care, we can learn from each other. This is my secret sauce. It moves me from being critical and judgmental toward accepting of others, regardless of how far apart our stories appear to be.
Post Script
Reflecting on my journey has led me to really take a hard look at empathy. I have used empathy as a key tool to show compassion toward others. I am not throwing away this tool, but for now, I will be putting it back in the drawer. To find out why, be on the lookout for a future article on the topic.