Sharing opinions is part of my series, Recollections from 22 Years as a Father
“Wide differences of opinions in matters of religious, political, and social belief must exist if conscience and intellect alike are not to be stunted, if there is to be room for healthy growth”
Theodore Roosevelt
For several years, I taught a Sunday school class for teenagers. During one particular class, I remember distinctly when a teenager informed me that, in their opinion, gender was a societal construct. I was surprised by this revelation. Their opinion on the topic was in a different place than mine and I have to say I was caught a bit off-guard. We talked about it a bit and explored the topic further. Eventually, we moved on to other topics.
When I got home that day, I discussed the idea with my teenage daughter. I expected her to share the same opinion as I maintained. She didn’t. Look at me, surprised twice in one day! This surprise opened my eyes. Not every opinion was under my control. The events led to adjusting my role in parenting children and to how I engage with people in general.
How Am I to Manage Myself Amongst All These Opinions?
This thinking cemented how I approach my role as a parent: My job is not to create minions to share my thoughts and espouse my opinions. Rather, I am to develop humans who listen and learn from others by sharing their different ideas freely. A parent seeks to foster a maturing into emotionally, intelligent adults.
It’s not your job to change someone’s opinion. Opinions are created from experience, perspective, and reinforcement, among other factors. Opinions are rooted in things we have learned and through the way our emotions process information. More simply stated, opinions are thought in the brain as well as being felt in the heart.
Let’s talk about how we manage our opinions against the palate of opinions in your home, community, workplace, and world. I do not want to advocate that you should alter everybody else’s opinions. Neither should you be afraid to communicate and back your own well-researched opinions. Find the balance and exercise discretion in a loving manner.
Seek to Disagree without Being Disagreeable
It will likely take you less than 5 minutes into conversation with the next person you meet to come across a difference of opinion. It may be minor, but it will be different. Whether it’s food, movies, politics, or foreign relations, we will think about it differently and that is beautiful. Agreement is boring and discourages learning and thinking. It’s similar to winning. If you always win, what fun would that be? What is the incentive to improve?
Instead of advocating for your opinion and trying to convince others that you are right, let’s explore other routes available for exploration. Instead of starting on the offensive or standing by your opinions, head for the open road or broader pastures. Encourage them and their ideas.
Encourage others to share their opinions before you lay your opinion on them
Listen to Their Opinions
Whether it’s your kids or other adults, ask them to elaborate on their opinion. In fact, encourage them to convince you why their opinion is the one you should adopt. You are looking for them to explain their position beyond standard responses, whether that makes it breakdown or finds new bastions of support.
Make a challenge out of it. It’s intriguing to understand how someone came to hold the opinions they do. Ask them how to they came to have this opinion. What factors really reinforce their beliefs? Understanding how they arrived where they did can help reveal their character. Take the journey with them.
Beyond all, force your mind away from coming up with a defense or a retort. Just listen. Ask open-ended questions. Put the focus on them and discussing their thinking and ideas.
Remain Even-Keel and Conversational
Agree with them on some points. Listen, there has to be some part of their opinion to which you can agree. Even if you don’t agree, listen to their logic and get a feel for what they are advocating. Most importantly, maintain your emotions and focus on not being defensive.
Being defensive ruins your ability to be open, constructive, and logical. Your conversation will devolve from intelligent banter and sharing into drawing lines and establishing positions. Remember, the goal is not to win and the other person is not trying to back you into a corner. You’r just sharing ideas. Just like your mom said, “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words cannot hurt you.” That expression has never been
If you do happen to get defensive or angry, call the moment. Everyone has strongly held beliefs and opinions. Sometimes, we can let them take over. If they do, take a deep breath and apologize. Don’t let it ruin a good conversation of differing thoughts.
Admit Your Opinions Might Be Wrong
Whether you get defensive or not, try entertaining their side of the situation for at least a little while. For example, you could say something like, “Wow, I had never thought of that in the way you are explaining. Perhaps I have been thinking about this wrong all of these years.”
This thinking could be truly disarming to your child or an acquaintance. Instead of an adversarial situation, you are encouraging them to talk more to a new convert. From there, invite them to explain why you should be following more of their thinking on this situation.
Regardless of how smart you are, you don’t know everything. (If you think you know everything, that would be a whole other topic). Take this time to defer and hear and learn how others think about this topic. You will learn much more from listening than you will from retelling your opinion.
Practice
Try to keep your opinion out of the matter as long as possible. Chances are if you can hold off while they talk, they will encourage you to discuss your ideas and provide feedback on their opinions. Listening to them will open them up to actively listening to you. It will be so different than what they may usually experience.
The best way to do this is to practice. Try these techniques on your spouse, with your friends, or in the company break room. Focus on listening to others. I mean really listening. Not listening to come up with a retort. Rather, it’s listening to observe what’s going on and asking questions to encourage the other person to elaborate. I can tell you, I am not the best at this myself. I practice (and fail) all of the time. That is part of the challenge.
The challenge uses similar skills used to draw in wild animals. Meet them on their turf, proceed slowly, and timidly until you gain trust and they come to you freely. Once they approach, the relationship can take root and develop. This is not meant to seem manipulative. You are encouraging them to be comfortable and open. Who wouldn’t enjoy being treated in that manner?
How Will Encouraging Differing Opinions Benefit Me?
You share ideas and opinions freely with people you trust. These people won’t discount your ideas and they listen attentively to your opinions, whether they agree with them or not. I seek to be one of these people and I hope you will also.
As a parent, there is no greater role you can play than listening to your kids and their friends. If you suspend judgment and listen and seek understanding, they will share more of themselves with you along the way. The concepts shared here overlap with helping kids learn to overcome their problems and obstacles. As a parent, the role of a guide will propel your child’s development much further than simply being the answer man or problem solution provider.
Be a trusted friend or parent to help our world be able to disagree without being disagreeable. We are all created differently and it takes practice and an open-mind to really see and enjoy those differences.
Get Started!
Get started anytime. Try it during your next conversation. When someone shares their opinion, ask them to elaborate or unpack it further instead of sharing your contrasting opinion. Seek to explore rather than arguing or being critical. Before you know it, you will be involved in a conversation or a debate that may open your eyes and mind to different thoughts and feelings.