Yep, what you see is a picture of me at 18 years old. As I mentioned in my recent love article, I knew precious little about love and relationships when I was 18. As a matter of fact, my ignorance about adulthood ran much deeper. It covered many more subjects in addition to love. I could have filled an ocean with the things I did not know or fully comprehend. For example, I was dreadfully unprepared for:
- Managing savings, investments, and credit
- Purchasing anything worth more than $50
- Selecting a profession to pursue
- Being a responsible man
- Staying fit and healthy
- Completing most do-it-yourself projects
- Avoiding addictive substances and habits
- Pursuing any relationship beyond a casual date
The list went on and on. I knew a lot about history, science, and math, but I had no idea on how to buy a car or fix a toilet. We didn’t learn about those things when I was in school.
I don’t know about your experience, but I learned how to deal with many of these things on my own. Both sets of my grandparents had died. My mom was dead also. Meanwhile, my father busied himself with other pursuits. Needless to say, I was not getting help from my immediate family. My understanding of these topics was gained through experience. Unfortunately, a good chunk of my experience resulted from wounds left by poor decisions.
Even though Google and other online resources exist today, I am not sure kids leaving high schools are much better off than I was. College leaves them with debt they don’t know how to manage. Health advice is peddled on the Internet by people more concerned with follows than accuracy. Their relationship advice comes through The Bachelor or searching through matches on Tinder. When I was 18, my challenge was too little information. Today, 18-year-old kids are besieged with too much. What can we do to help?
Pay It Forward
Obviously, if your children are this age, you have discovered your job as a parent has not ended. Even if you don’t have kids in this age group, please do not stop reading. An impressive amount of research shows that one supportive adult, in addition to one’s parents, leads to significantly improved outcomes for young adults to become independent.
Your accumulated knowledge and experience might save a young adult from serious mistakes and help them get their sea legs for adulthood. Believe it or not, you actually have come across and absorbed fantastic life lessons that would benefit others to hear. How can all these experiences be put into action?
Adulthood Learning Opportunities
Let’s go back to me for a second. With my wide swath of ignorance and inexperience, I really needed help. I wish I had:
- Allowed myself to talk to a good therapist
- Forged a connection with an extended family member, like an uncle
- Found a teacher with in-depth knowledge of real-life topics
- Met older men interested in sharing & being emotional
Many other avenues would have held opportunities, too. Point is, my 18-year-old self had many different avenues for finding aid. I chose to rely on myself. Young adults today have access to many of the same sources as they navigate through early adulthood. Unfortunately, many, like me, choose to wander along by themselves. You could play a key role in these young people learning about adulthood.
Although many may be getting help from their parents, that’s not the case for all. These young adults may not feel comfortable asking mom or dad for help. Instead, they prefer to struggle on their own, too proud to seek support. You could fill the gap as a teacher, mentor, or emotional shoulder. This is your invitation to make yourself available.
I get questions or requests from people for help with financial topics, like saving, investing, and managing bills. I love the fact that I can put my knowledge to use helping other people. If I can help them avoid common pitfalls, I feel like I have been able to pay it forward. Recently, I have helped my kids start their financial plans. They included some of their friends in the discussions. I felt such a rush helping them get past the barriers to entry and start working on their own financial plan.
Embrace the Dichotomy
In my opinion, when I am most effective, I embrace two parts of my mind. First, and most importantly, I empathize with the situation they are working through. Here is the question I ask myself, “When I was 18 or 25, what would it have been like to be going through this situation for the first time?” I do my best to transport myself back to that place and remember what it felt like. Recall what you did not know or understand. That is the place to begin.
Secondly, reflect on what you have learned since that point. Unwind the steps it took to work through the situation successfully. Here is where the guidance comes in. Once you empathize where they are, try to help them work on the next step. Forget the next 10 steps. Start with the first step. Let them talk through the process and decide what they want their next step to be. They own the thinking and decision making.
It’s impossible to bestow all of your knowledge on them as you now understand it. That amount of information would overwhelm the person and could leave them feeling inadequate or stupid. By empathizing first, you recreate what it was like to be in that situation. It’s okay to be vulnerable and share your experiences from that time of your life. At that point, you can start to guide them through the process using all of your experience and knowledge.
Allow Yourself to Help
These young adults may appear to have everything put together. They probably think they do, at least. But, you may be able to help them in a couple of simple ways. Think about it. Here are several ways to use your accumulated knowledge and experience to coach and guide someone working their way into adulthood:
- Ask them how they are doing. Let them know you remember what it was like getting started. Offer to help them anytime they need it.
- If they seem interested, listen. Let them talk it out. Stop yourself from providing advice. Honestly answering their questions is extremely helpful.
- Send encouraging words via e-mail or text. Discovering and sending helpful articles make great touchpoints.
- Whatever you do, avoid judgment. It may allow you to feel better about your psyche but it will derail the relationship.
Forging Adult Connections
A solid connection for someone at this stage of life might just be a life preserver. According to a 2011 study, non-parental adults “were perceived to have more positive psychological profiles than parents and peers, and in some cases, romantic partners.” A positive outlook is critical to transitioning successfully to adulthood. We all can play a role in helping young adults negotiate this fluid stage of life.
I want to encourage you to open your heart. Find time to offer help to these young people, whether they are your son or daughter or someone else’s child. It could be someone at work or church or in your neighborhood. They have a lot of questions. As they search for answers, they might be receiving a lot of questionable advice and guidance. You might just turn out to be that trustworthy person to provide help and guidance. Your influence may help them solve a situation that has been causing a great deal of stress and anxiety. You could be the person providing a positive outlook and helping them to transition successfully to adulthood.