This article on Being a Spouse is part of my series, Recollections from 22 Years as a Father
You find someone you enjoy being around and you love them so much that you decide to commit to each other for the rest of your lives. At some point beyond that decision, the two of you may decide to start a family. Becoming a parent uncovers more about your spouse than you previously knew. At the same time, children create a communication barrier which can stunt the growth in your relationship. I want to talk to you about maintaining a close relationship with your spouse while your main focus will likely be your kids.
When you are a parent, communications center around the children, and not your spouse. Whether it be mealtime, bedtime, naps, homework, or playtime, you are either dealing with the current activity or figuring out how to manage the events coming up later in the day. As you navigate through the parental phase of life, your time, energy and communications focus on your kids, even when they are not around. Now that I am in the sunset of my parental phase, I have learned a few things to maintain and grow a (mostly) healthy relationship with my spouse. Let’s take a look at a few truths I have stumbled upon during the last 22 years.
This is not an article about how to parent. It is an article about how to remain friends with your spouse during the most challenging phases of your life, namely when you are parenting. These things are not easy. They take effort and patience to achieve.
#1 Get and Stay on the Same Page
The main theme of this article is give and take. It is demonstrated right away with point #1. You are each going to have things you are adamant about and they will likely not line up with each other. For example, my wife is adamant about eating meals together and having conversation over meals. It’s not as big of a deal for me, but knowing it is for my wife, we have made it a priority. I enjoy sports and competition. There are times when my wife doesn’t want to watch another football game, but she continues to support me anyway. It’s about the balance.
Finding the balance on the critical items requires conversation, listening, paying attention, and being in tune with your and your partners emotions. Experts today refer to this engagement as emotional intelligence. As the name implies, your goal is to find the middle ground between emotion and reason. Knowing and understanding the critical items for your spouse will allow you to meet their needs while leaving room for covering what you think is most important. You are both parenting and you both need to be engaged. If it is all going one person’s way, the other person will become detached and uninvolved.
This is not an easy process and it is not a “set and forget” proposition. It’s a dance and you will need to continue to make modifications as the music continues to play. You will need to continually revisit these items and negotiate. A big key is maintaining vulnerability. You must allow yourself to show your emotions in a honest manner and give room to your spouse to do the same.
I once had a friend tell me that they continued to get mad at their spouse because their spouse was not getting the things done that needed to be done. One day, their spouse said to them, “If it’s so important, why don’t you do it?” At that moment, my friend realized the issue was with them and not their spouse. If something is not getting done in your house, it must be more important to you, so go do it and quit waiting for the other person, regardless of whose “job” it is. You all will be happier once it is done.
#2 Have Their Back
Everyone makes the wrong decision. You will make some tragic ones, in all likelihood. When you do, don’t you want your friends to back you up? At least publicly. If they pull you aside later, that’s okay, right?
Same thing goes with spouses and children. Your spouse is likely to lose it or make a knee jerk decision. At that moment, you need to back them up. Show them your full support and don’t let the kids see how crazy the idea is. You need to work with them until you can get them alone and then find out what they are thinking.
Kids are skilled negotiators and they are experts at noticing the cracks in the parents. Don’t expose any disagreement or weakness. You need to have their back and it will pay dividends for your relationship. If for some reason they do not cover you, discuss it with them when you are alone.
#3 Life’s not Quid pro Quo (at least when in a relationship)
Make sure you are doing something they like to do, not just something you like to do together. There is a difference. Your spouse will have a passion that you don’t share. That’s ok and it’s natural. You likely found them attractive and interesting when you were dating because they are different than you. To expect them to be the same as you now or to have everything in common is illogical. You are different people and that’s ok.
How you handle that situation will be the difference in how your relationship develops and matures. It will also serve as an example to your kids about how to negotiate, share, and love. Life is not quid pro quo. This means you should not be expecting something back when you do something good for someone else. You do it to enhance the other person’s experience.
Sharing in something your spouse enjoys provides great joy. I really love it when my wife joins me in doing something with me that is not especially her thing. When she hikes with me or makes a puzzle, I know these are not her passions but it enhances my experience and is a great sharing experience. I hope I increase my wife’s joy when I happily join her for something she is passionatge about.
#4 Make Sure the Kids get to Bed Early
Putting your kids to bed early is great for the kids and the parents. For the kids, you provide a routine (which is critical), structure, and a proper amount of rest. For the parents, you create quiet, uninterrupted time to unwind and discuss things not related to the children. Talk about work, current events, personal beliefs, childhood memories, or sporting events. It doesn’t matter as long as you are engaging the other person and your mind.
Talking and hanging out is likely how your relationship began and blossomed. You may take it for granted or presume to have discussed everything already, but that is a weak way to frame it. You need to work hard and apply effort. It’s like going to the gym when you don’t really feel like it. You know you need to do it and once you get there, you realize how awesome it makes you feel. Same thing with your spouse.
#5 Push Them Out of their Comfort Zone
To live the healthiest life, we need to challenge each other to program our bio-computer to stop, think, and develop ourselves in mind, spirit, and body. The same goes for our life partner. They need us to challenge them and expect more.
I cannot thank my wife enough for pushing/coercing me to do things I have not wanted to do on my own. She knows me better than anyone and she understands my abilities and what I can do even better than I know myself. Her persuasion and persistence has helped me as a father, a professional, and a person, along with every other role I play in life. I can only hope I have done the same for her.
One of your most critical roles is to help your partner be the absolute the best they can be. Give them feedback, even if they don’t agree or want to hear it. You owe it to them and they will thank you (eventually). Stay persistent. As long as you are doing it for their benefit and no one else’s, you are pushing in the right direction and you should keep going.
#6 Avoid Distractions and Focus
In other words, avoid the distractions. This goes hand-in-hand with #4 above. You both need to carve out time within your daily schedule to be present and available. This time is extremely critical to healthy communication and dialog. It is the food that sustains and grows your relationship. Without the time and interaction, your bonds will weaken.
The problem is when your schedules stress you out, your brain craves downtime or just a couple of minutes to relax. This short hiatus becomes the perfect time to catchup on social media, e-mail, news, or whatever. Before you know it, those couple of minutes turn into an hour and your time with loved ones has dissipated.
It’s also extremely healthy to have peace and quiet, apart from everyone else, including your spouse. Whether it be meditation, reading, prayer, knitting, puzzles, listening to music, or whatever, you require time to find yourself and keep your mind straight. Taking time away let’s you come back to the world centered and ready for the next challenge. It’s critical for your mental health.
#7 Laugh as Much as Possible
I leave this one for last because it could be the most critical and I want to leave you on a good note. Like a song stuck in your head, laughing with others is contagious and it lingers on well past the funny moment. You need to find every opportunity to have fun.
People who love you will not purposefully hurt you or your feelings. That makes sense, right? Well, why do we often think the opposite then. Our first inclination needs to point toward the fun side of the equation. I know this is not easy, but try it. Regardless of what comes up at home (unless it’s super serious), laugh it off. Brush it away and try to have fun with it. Your kids will pick up on it and take a different path.
Out of all of the things you want out of life, fun has to be at or near the top. Like everything else you want in life, you need to work hard to achieve it. You cannot just hope it will happen, you need to focus on the application. Let’s get started today and focus on having more fun!
Keep the Fire Burning
When you make the decision to become a parent, you yield much of your time and attention to your kids. It’s the right thing to do. The other right thing to do is to take a portion of the rest of your time and put it toward your relationship with your spouse. Why? Because they are your support and your kids will emulate the behaviors you showcase to them, good or bad. Show them by leading with your example.
These seven ideas keep you in touch with your spouse as you go through the challenges of raising children into responsible adults. Even though children demand a great deal of attention, there is plenty you can still do to grow and develop your relationship with your spouse during this time. Trust me, you will appreciate the effort you put in when the day comes for your children to leave home for good.
You committed to your spouse for a reason – you desired to spend your life with that person and share in all life has to offer. In order to enjoy, you have to put forth effort. Sometimes that effort will be easy. Other times, it may feel Herculean. Either way, the efforts will be well worth it as you get the opportunity to travel through life with your friend.