3 Tricks I Learned About Small Talk from Volleyball

Small talk is an area where many people struggle, or at least, do not enjoy it. People tend to throw statements about the weather or sports out there to see if it develops into something. It rarely seems to turn into an interesting conversation or an enjoyable interaction. At least this is my experience.

For me, when I heap on social anxieties and an introverted personality, the idea of small talk becomes particularly unappealing. That does not mean I do not want to meet new people. I enjoy engaging in deeper conversations. I just really hate the awkward conversations. When you struggle with conversation, there are many times the situation feels awkward or cringey.

The holiday season is full of opportunities for practicing small talk. More than any other time of the year. You have work parties, get-togethers with close and distant friends, holiday reunions with extended family, and so on. This past season, I had some encounters that worked out well and others where my best effort lacked significantly. I definitely had some awkward moments.

Make a Game of Small Talk

After one particular disappointment, I felt upset with my struggles to mix and mingle. Other people seemed to have no difficulty making up things to talk and discuss. My conversations had trouble leaving the ground. Sometimes, you need a particular situation to act as a lightning rod. This event showed me how I was letting the challenges win. Instead, I wanted to find a way to overcome these anxieties and enjoy socializing with those around me.

The next night, I found sleep very difficult to attain. My sleeplessness brought this topic to my mind. With plenty of time to think, I began to think. I pinpointed the times I’m around people while being the least hampered by my anxieties. Two scenarios came clearly into focus. My most relaxed and engaging conversations with strangers happen while working or playing games. I decided to focus on ideas for making conversation more like playing a game. Here is what I discovered about small talk and volleyball.

Net Sports

As you might imagine, I found a huge amount of hits when you start to search for conversation and gaming. Many of the results, not surprisingly, were designed to improve one’s ability to start a conversation with a potential love interest. Interesting reading, but not exactly what I was looking for. But, then, I stumbled across several articles equating conversation to playing catch or tossing a ball back and forth. That idea began to resonate in my mind. My thoughts centered on how the rhythms of volleyball might improve my ability to engage in small talk. I determined to give it a try.

Volleyball is unique in the “net” games in the way a team operates. In the other net games, like ping pong, tennis, badminton, or pickleball, the player or team has one opportunity to get the object back over the net. Not so, in volleyball. As you likely know, you have three hits to get the ball back over the net. Managing and executing those three attempts determines if the volley continues or if the ball lands out of bounds or bounds into the net.

Why Volleyball is Different

Small talk, for me, typically follows the path of the other net sports. I lob a shot onto their side of the net and they hit back a short answer. Depending on their shot, I get it back over but our rally does not last too long. Each time the ball ends up in the net, I am on to the next person or back in front of a television or something else like that. If I am lucky, I will find someone that really wants to keep on playing an entire match. Often, I end up hanging around with the same couple of people.

Following the elegance of volleyball, however, offers the potential of a different direction. As you know, the three hits allowed in volleyball follow a prescribed strategy. Once the served ball clears the net, you receive the ball on your side of the net. The receiver then tracks the ball in and watches it hit their arms to bump it over to the setter. The setter then hits a high lob toward the net to allow a hitter to spike the ball over the net and back to the other team. Let’s look at how these three hits help our minds think about engaging more playfully in small talk.

Bump

The bump is the first hit a team takes to return a serve from the opposing team. The key to a successful bump is maintaining eye contact as it crosses the net and approaches. A player will use their forearms to hit the ball in the direction of the setter to enable the second hit to occur.

The main strategy of the bump is to keep the ball in the air. The bump, if well played, pushes the ball into a position to be set. A well-placed bump or dig shot has the player position under the ball to pop it up into the air. Ideally, the player will also take momentum off the ball to make it more manageable.

The bump in conversation focuses on watching the ball and concentrating on what is being said. Look at the picture below. See how the athlete makes great eye contact and watches it hit her body. In conversation, do the same thing. Focus on and receive the comment to you. Absorb the energy to take away the momentum. Relax. Your goal here is to recognize what is being said and to pop the topic up into the air for the next hit to occur.

Set

The bump shot carries over to be set. When setting, the ball is not intended to get pushed across the net. Instead, the player uses their hands to loft the ball above the net into the perfect position for the next player. That player, known as the hitter, sends the ball over the net with force and direction. The set shot continues to remove momentum from the ball’s path. Slowing down makes the ball easier to hit and adds more time for the final shot to be hit cleanly.

The set in conversation equates to your response to what you received during the bump. Think about what they said and answer as thoughtfully as possible. During the conversational set, add something about yourself applicable to the topic. Take caution, however, you are not hitting the ball over the net yet. Your goal here is to answer and put the ball in place for the next shot to go over the net. Take your time and be vulnerable. You are setting up for your big hit back to your conversation partner.

Spike

The final shot sending the ball over the net is called the spike. The purpose of the spike is to take the elevated set shot hovering over the net and add significant, downward momentum making it difficult for the other team to return.

Here is where you have to concede a bit to keep the analogy working for you. In volleyball, the set shot places a player on your team with the perfect opportunity to kill the ball on the other side of the net ending the volley. In a conversation, we are not attempting to kill anything. Instead, we want the spike to give our conversation partner something to bump our dig into. Add something to the exchange that they can play from. Let’s walk through an example to elaborate.

Let’s Play a Game

An example here will be helpful. Let’s say I am shopping at the local Ikea for bedroom furniture. As I browse around, a lady is also looking for furniture in the same area. I am curious about her thoughts on the furniture, so I served up a volley for her to join.

Me: “It seems like we are both looking at the same style of furniture.” (serve)

Lady: “Yes, I think we are. I’m looking at this set in white” (bump)

“I think I prefer the white stain more than white paint.” (set)

“What color are you looking at?” (spike)

“I was looking at the ones stained white, too.” (bump)

“I bought something similar to this for my daughter’s room. It was easy to assemble and it’s a sturdy piece of furniture.” (set)

“Are you looking for something for occasional or heavier use?” (spike)

“Furniture which is easy to move is my biggest concern.” (bump)

“I just moved here from out of town for a new job and I have not settled on a place to live yet” (set)

“Depending on the job, I am not sure how long I will be here.” (spike)

The conversation could go in ten different directions from there. We focused on furniture. The key part is we were both focused on listening (bump), offering additional information (set), and creating an opportunity for the volley to continue (spike). By both playing the same game and following a similar strategy, we maintained momentum and kept the volley going.

I have found it enjoyable to engage in conversation like I’m playing a game. This different mindset creates substance and rhythm within my conversations. It changes my focus from just hitting the ball back over the net to concentrating on what is being said and how I can set that into something of interest. Instead of firing it back over the net, I allow myself to slow it down and respond. All the while, I keep the ball on my side of the net. Now, I can focus on setting it up and sending it back to them in a format where they can work it and send it back over.

Share the Ball

This situation may seem rudimentary to most but it has been a breath of fresh air for me. I struggle to find ways to engage more naturally in conversation. I would like to enjoy conversations with strangers and acquaintances rather than avoid it or do it uncomfortably.

Many people think they are great at conversation. What they are really doing, however, is focusing on themselves. They find it easy to talk about themselves. This does not work in the volleyball approach. You need to take time to receive their comments, add a bit of yourself, and hit it back to your partner. Not following the pattern will have one person taking multiple shots on their own side and seldomly hitting it back.

Conversations typically feel like work to me. I put a lot of energy into it and I think a great deal of that energy has been misplaced. I will continue to research ways to engage more successfully because I think I more exciting conversation will add enjoyment and relaxation to my life. If you feel similarly, try researching ideas to make it more playful and be less like work.